Geek rant...

I'm sure all you TV watchers out there have seen the new Sky HD campaign with sir Anthony Hopkins. Sitting in a big empty room quoting famous lines from films and generally bigging up movies.

It's quite a nice idea, makes Sir Tony a bit more human, a bit like us, and reminds us how good some film are and how we should spend an arm and a leg on Sky HD to really appreciate their brilliance.

So why then have they got the Blade Runner quote wrong? 'I've seen things people wouldn't believe...' It's not just people; it's you people. Doesn't that change the sentiment of the quote?

Anyway, I was a little surprised, if you're gonna quote iconic lines on a high end campaign like this you'd think you'd get it right. Wonder if every one was too scared to tell the production team they'd got it wrong?
Check it out...

Not sure this is working...

Donnie Darko folow up; S. Darko. New viral videos. Looks rather rubbish, check the trailer here if you can cope with the annoying website...

If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain't the kinda pussy to drink it...

Howdy Doghousers, I took myself for a little walkies to the local flea pit the other day to catch Guy Ritchie's latest offering; RocknRolla. I firstly have to say I was quite excited when I saw this movie trailed; I like Ritchie's films, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels was brilliant. A British, slick, low budget knees-up gangster laugh. Then he followed it with Snatch - Lock Stock with money, but that's okay. Look at The Evil Dead and The Evil Dead II, that's all Sam Raimi did. All good.

But it seems something somewhere has gone terribly wrong. 10 years later and he's still trying to make that gangster film. Not that time should be a scapegoat, Martin Scorsese had a 12 year gap between Goodfellas and Gangs of New York. Gangs of New York, although a gangster film isn't really a copy of Goodfellas, more of a bad ass period drama. Bad example.

So what's Ritchie doing? I watched Revolver and thought it was interesting, twisted and difficult to follow but different. So to give it a chance I made a cup of rosey and watched it again. To see if I could figure the complex plot and coax out the hidden story/message. What a waste of an afternoon that was. Looked nice though. Might as well watch MTV for 2 hours. Probably make more sense.

Back to RocknRolla: It's boring, over long, same old same old, and it feels that if you were to mix all of his films together, even the Madonna one, this is what you get. A watered down, confused cocktail of his former talent. Also, bad plot aside; why is every scene in a car shot in a studio? As good as your matte work is, it still shows. And why are the London streets so very deserted? Even in the middle of the night there are still some cars around. Plus - and this is just one of my personal hates - why do we not really see the only car crash in the film? And I'm sick of that car-coming-but-only-the-audience-can-see-it-interior-shot. It has been done so many times, even Cold Feet were dong it back in the 90's. That reminds me - that car explosion - what the fuck was that? I've seen better CGI on my PS2. If your film costs $18,000,000, surely you can blow up a car or two?

Minor production points aside is it any good?
No. RocknRolla is a convoluted, over tired, over long, expositional, mockney bullshit of a movie and Warner bros. should stop giving him money. All of the characters are 2 dimensional and I had no empathy for any of them, - even the Jonny Quid character played by the excellent Toby Kebbell who was supposed to be the 'RocknRolla'. He was probably written as a lovable rogue who says and does all the stuff that we mere mortals only dream of. And he was hateful. When he did get shot it wasn't soon enough. I later read that he was based on Pete Doherty. Well done for picking such a charismatic icon to base a character on, perhaps Madge only allows Heat Magazine and the Metro in the house.

Although Empire gave it 4 stars they said in their review; 'Storytelling isn't Ritchie's forte'. WTF? He's the director and screen writer. Storytelling should be his forte. Let's let him off shall we? He's posh.

The bad news is , RocknRolla is apparently the first in a trilogy. Balls. An excuse for all the loose ends? That's the lamest excuse I've ever heard, and I'm just looking at my DVD collection to see if any other trilogy part one's have such loosely tied endings....
Godfather, Back to the Future, Star Wars, Indy, Bourn, Matrix. Not having much luck here. Ritchie had better pull something pretty special out of his tweed sleeve to make the next one a good watch. It was all a dream or something?

I just hope I'm wrong. Ritchie used to be a burning light in the bad rom-com that is British cinema. At least we've still got Edgar Wright.

Whimper.

DONNIE DARKO 2 (what the F**K?)...

That's right people they only went and did it. The sequel to Donnie Darko is heading our way with a (hopefully working) title of Samantha Darko. Remember his annoying little sister who pranced about to Duran Duran? Well it's all about her. The plot is sketchy but the gist seems to involve Samantha being all grown up, her car breaking down on a road trip, a meteor hitting the earth and obviously her being told the exact time of the impending destruction of the universe. Sounds familiar? It bloody should. When asked if any of the original team were involved Darko Entertainment told us a story about a ten foot pole and not wanting to touch this project with it. I don't blame 'em. Again it seems to be a case of if it ain't broke don't sodding break it. Be afraid!!!!!!

Holy tired franchise...

Some clever editing and grading...

Makes you realize how far we've come.

Wouldn't you like to be a pepper too...

Saw an billposter for Barry Norman's Pickled onions (NOTE: The web address - picklodeon!) the other day. What is it with people working in the film industry for a bit, then moving into foods?

Paul Newman's done it with his salad dressing's, Terence Stamps' done it with wheat-free products. Crazy. Any others?
Bark...

PART TIME...

Right my loves!!!!

There are many things wrong with the new Indiana Jones film but after some amount of therapy I can now talk about it without scratching at my eyes and howling at the moon!!! I don't want to rant or needlessly put anyone down but there are even some real basics that were glaringly just...well wrong. The story was weak to the point of being insulting to the franchise. That is not to say that there weren't elements of the fantastical in the original three, but at least they never really came to the front of the film. They were always something that happened around Indy. When I first heard rumor of the intention to cross the genre of space and Indy, I just thought that no one would be daft enough to actually think that it was a valid idea...I was wrong. I managed to recently find an old Marvel comic entitled The Further Adventures of Indiana Jones which it has to be said although a bit cheesy in parts is actually a stronger story and even looks better than Crystal Skull. Speaking of which; was it just me or was there no real connection to the object in question. My point is that historically the object in these films lends some weight to the story Firstly you have the Ark which is "a radio for talking to God". Secondly you have the stone in Temple of Doom; which although flimsy at least there is an entire village that are depending on it and of course the third film uses the cup of Christ.

So the problem being that no-one actually cares about the Crystal Skull. There is no connection and very little back story to it we are almost asked to just accept that it is important to the story. Well I'm sorry but if I'm going to suspend my disbelief, I'll need some convincing. None of the characters really mention it after the first half of the film or if they do it's always with some underlying disdain. This translates so effectively that the piece in question ends up looking like something you might find in a plastic egg!!!!

Also for such an established team the editing was poor, the grade changed all the way through, at least it was more consistent than the story which was seemingly written by a blind dyslexic, and the inclusion of gophers was an absolute joke...and not a funny one.

In the words of Columbo; there is just one more thing and this may be the most annoying thing. In the trailer, when Harrison Ford recites the admittedly inspired line of "Part time" in response to the question that he is a teacher, he sounds like Indy should: Confident, cocky but cleverly a little wiser. I was impressed that seemingly a lot of effort and thought had gone into the process. However my good impressions were short lived. Whilst sitting in the cinema eagerly watching my world fall apart, I was shocked when the line delivered in the actual film was completely different. It sounded wrong. It sounded like Harrison Ford was having a bad day and they used a dodgy take. I suggest in future when G. Lucas decides to blow the dust off of one of his franchises he should simply go and have a shit...and maybe take an Indy comic to read whilst he's in there.

I'll be back. Sadly...

Can't stop the machine. Hollywood is gonna spew out another sequel, that's inevitable. Short of catching a flight to Melrose Heights to burn down another studio backlot and tell McG what I really think of his colorful 'fast car' directing style, Teminator is set to return next year. The worst or the best part is that Christian Bale is playing John Connor? And Kyle Reese is making an appearance.

'It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.' Or at least the franchise is...

Might as well embrace it I guess.
Then I read this spoiler. Down at the bottom of the article, in the blue box.
Terminated.

You want to talk to God? Let's go see him together, I've got nothing better to do...

I know I keep barking on about the disastrous new Indiana Jones film, But for any dogs out there who are trying to get the bad taste out of your muzzle, check this out. A script for Indy IV from '95 penned by Chris Columbus - of Gremlins and Goonies fame.
Still not what I was waiting for, but I didn't read about any gophers.
Woof.

Fly yes, write no...

Saw it again today.

Damn you Lucas...