Right my loves!!!!
There are many things wrong with the new
Indiana Jones film but after some amount of therapy I can now talk about it without scratching at my eyes and howling at the moon!!! I don't want to rant or needlessly put anyone down but there are even some real basics that were glaringly just...well wrong. The story was weak to the point of being insulting to the franchise. That is not to say that there weren't elements of the fantastical in the original three, but at least they never really came to the front of the film. They were always something that happened around Indy. When I first heard rumor of the intention to cross the genre of space and Indy, I just thought that no one would be daft enough to actually think that it was a valid idea...I was wrong. I managed to recently find an old
Marvel comic entitled
The Further Adventures of Indiana Jones which it has to be said although a bit cheesy in parts is actually a stronger story and even looks better than
Crystal Skull. Speaking of which; was it just me or was there no real connection to the object in question. My point is that historically the object in these films lends some weight to the story Firstly you have the
Ark which is "a radio for talking to God". Secondly you have the stone in
Temple of Doom; which although flimsy at least there is an entire village that are depending on it and of course the third film uses the
cup of Christ.
So the problem being that no-one actually cares about the Crystal Skull. There is no connection and very little back story to it we are almost asked to just accept that it is important to the story. Well I'm sorry but if I'm going to suspend my disbelief, I'll need some convincing. None of the characters really mention it after the first half of the film or if they do it's always with some underlying disdain. This translates so effectively that the piece in question ends up looking like something you might find in a plastic egg!!!!
Also for such an established team the editing was poor, the grade changed all the way through, at least it was more consistent than the story which was seemingly written by a blind dyslexic, and the inclusion of gophers was an absolute joke...and not a funny one.
In the words of Columbo; there is just one more thing and this may be the most annoying thing. In the trailer, when Harrison Ford recites the admittedly inspired line of "Part time" in response to the question that he is a teacher, he sounds like Indy should: Confident, cocky but cleverly a little wiser. I was impressed that seemingly a lot of effort and thought had gone into the process. However my good impressions were short lived. Whilst sitting in the cinema eagerly watching my world fall apart, I was shocked when the line delivered in the actual film was completely different. It sounded wrong. It sounded like Harrison Ford was having a bad day and they used a dodgy take. I suggest in future when G. Lucas decides to blow the dust off of one of his franchises he should simply go and have a shit...and maybe take an Indy comic to read whilst he's in there.
So the rumour mill surrounding Indiana Jones 5 keeps on grinding despite key players (Ford, Spielberg, LaBeouf) being skeptical. Indeed the only person who seems blindly optimistic is the man who caused all of the damage on Indy 4, George "creator and destructor of childhood dreams" Lucas. What has this mill spat out? Indiana Jones and the Bermuda Triangle... I shit you not.
