So I’ve finally done it. Don’t all thank me at once, but I have at last, taken ‘one’ for the masses. Surly now I can be remembered as a real man, a true hero and a martyr to the people.It wasn’t that bad either, I’d like to brag about sitting through difficult to watch torture and grotesque scenes of a scatological nature, but I’m afraid I can’t, because this years most shocking film is just not shocking. As for 100% medically accurate, I think 100% medically boring might be closer to the truth.
Sure the subject matter is of a disturbing nature, I’m not saying you should sit down with the family and watch it over a meal, but as a film written around one sick idea; that of humans joined, against their will, ass to mouth. Then forced to live as a 12-limbed beast sharing the same gastric system, it should be more shocking. Sadly it’s just slow and a little funny.
I could almost forgive the obvious stereotypes, such as setting such a deprived act in Germany, and the hammy, shallow characters, if the shock value was a shock. It really felt like director Tom Six had thought of the most depraved act he could and then slotted it into a script he purchased from the Internet.
The girls involved in the ‘pede are American tourists driving in Germany and rather predictably get a flat tyre on a night out. Everything that James Cameron has done for strong women in cinema seemed to come unraveled at this point, as the two girls teetered around in their heels complaining they couldn’t possibly change the wheel. Looking for a phone they come across the ‘surgeon’s’ house and despite banging on about being from New York, put up little fight as their nightmare begins.
It’s all rather convenient and unbelievable. Surely if you expect the audience to suspend their disbelief that someone is capable of creating a human centipede, then you should at least make the rest of the story fall within the boundaries of acceptance, all a little hard to swallow, if you pardon the pun. Pointers to the disturbed nature of the villain end up backfiring too. Reminiscing over a previous attempt to make a K9 centipede, just looks like a picture of three dogs sniffing each other’s bums, nothing sinister in that.
The police ultimately come into the picture and despite their hard look and pushy nature they seem to be as affective as thimble of milk on a burning house…
The old saying: get it banned, get it noticed springs to mind or at least sprung to mind. There has been much press over The Human Centipede (amazingly it's Google's second suggestion when typing 'human into the search) although I don’t think it has been banned anywhere yet, perhaps because it’s so very tame. Whilst watching I was also reminded of the 1990’s series reboot of The Outer Limits, it has a cheap TV feel and could be told in half the time.
Only bother watching this if you have nothing better to do, or if it’s on at a party, worth it for a laugh, but that’s about it.
Woof.
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